Forgiveness
by JoJo1001
Summary: Will Lindsay ever be able to forgive Danny? What about when her life is in danger. This story will eventually be M Rated.
1. Chapter 1

"How's it going with Lindsay?" Mac asked as he and Danny sat at Sullivan's having a beer after shift.

"Better." Danny said looking up at his boss a little worried since the older man had insisted that they meet for a beer after shift. "I really fucked up." He admitted rubbing his face. "Bad."

"I gathered." Mac said nodding. "She's a great woman." He said and Danny looked up blue eyes shining and nodded.

"I guess I got caught up in my guilt." He said staring at his beer. "She's taking some of the blame but it wasn't her fault." He said softly. "I should have gone to her when I was upset but I felt like she thought Ruben dying was my fault." He explained sighing. "We didn't talk, if we would have talked none of dis would have happened and I wouldn't have lost her."

"Have you lost her?" Mac asked knowing that the last few months both he and Lindsay had been really quiet.

"I dunno." He admitted closing his eyes. "I slept wit Rikki." He said not looking up at Mac for fear he'd see shame in his bosses eyes. "Pushed er away and I came clean, I mean I told her." He said swallowing hard. "I still have no idea why I did it." He said looking up for a second glad Mac was looking in his beer. "I mean I love Lindsay, she's my life why in the hell did I fuck things up like dis?"

"I cheated on my wife." Mac admitted shame in his eyes. "Just a kiss but it nearly killed me. She was crushed, said that if I had something I felt bad about I should have come to her. She was right and it's not a good excuse but I felt like my job made her dirty." He said sighing. "Maybe you felt comfortable with Rikki because you didn't care what she thought but if Lindsay knew how you were feeling she might change her mind about you?" He asked and Danny swallowed hard hating that Mac had him pegged. "That if she saw you at your lowest she'd try to help you. I know you Danny you've always been the caretaker, never comfortable when anyone tries to do anything for you."

"I know." He admitted closing his eyes. "I don't feel comfortable wit her like comforting me, she, Rikki needed someone and I know it don't make it right but I wanted to be there for her."

"You didn't do anything wrong Dan, Ruben dying wasn't your fault." Mac said firmly and Danny nodded knowing in his head Mac was right. "Have you and Lindsay talked?"

"Yeah." He said nodding. "She says she still loves me. She basically told me what ya just said and ya both right." He admitted. "I don't think she'll be able to forgive me, she said she'll try but she needs time."

"Women don't get the just sex thing." Mac said softly. "I do, I mean it's still fucked up but I get how you can close your eyes and forget." He admitted thinking of the women he'd had sex with after Claire. "Thing is though once it's over you're right back to thinking."

"Yeah, I thought it would help but it just fucked everything up." Danny said fighting tears. "Now I may lose da best thing in my life."

"You have to open yourself to her Dan, I'm not a sensitive guy but if this is ever going to work you have to share yourself." He said softly. "Dammit." He said as his cell phone rang in his pocket. "Taylor." He said frowning as he listened jaw dropping. "I'm on my way." He said flipping the phone closed and jumping up. "Come on." He said stomach churning with fear as he threw money down on the table.

"Whas wrong?" Danny asked frowning as he jumped up grabbing his jacket and following Mac out. "Mac?" He asked shocked as Mac started running in the rain instead of going to his car a block in the other direction.

"It's Lindsay come on." Mac yelled rain dripping in his face as he ran. They got about 3 blocks from the lab before they saw the ambulance and Danny fought the urge to vomit as he sprinted.

"What, Lindsay?" He screamed racing over the pouring rain making it hard to see clearly.

"Danny." Mac yelled waving the man over as he climbed up into the ambulance.

"What?" Danny asked breathing hard as he jumped into the ambulance finding Lindsay sitting on the cot her hair wet and blood on her face and hair.

"I'm fine." She insisted blinking against the pain in her arm and head. "It was the taxi cab killer." She said shifting as the paramedic took her blood pressure in her unhurt arm. "He picked me up at the lab, I knew something was off and I tried to get out and then I smelled the carbon dioxide." She said wincing as she tried to move her broken arm. "I started to scream and kick the partition." She said frowning as the medic pressed a gauze pad against the cut on her head. "I used my ow stop." She said glaring up at him. "I broke the window out and he sped up so I climbed out."

"Holy shit." Danny whispered heart still racing.

"Did you get a look at him?" Mac asked and she shook her head no.

"It was dark and I know he had dark hair." She said feeling terrible. "I wasn't paying attention when I opened the door and once the light was off you couldn't see anything." She said shaking her head. "He had a green flower air freshener hanging off the mirror. "I dug my nails into the seat and I grabbed some carpet but that's all I could get." She said feeling terrible.

"Don't worry about it." Mac said softly. "Where are you hurt?"

"I'm fine." She said closing her eyes. "The carpet fibers are in my pocket." She said taking a deep breath her arm throbbing. "You need to process me."

"What happened?" Don Flack said running to the ambulance shocked to see Lindsay laying in the back. Mac filled him in and Don quickly took off.

"Danny take Lindsay's clothes and bag them." Mac said mind racing. "Swab her finger nails and go with her to the hospital."

"Mac I am not going by ambulance." She insisted as he looked up frowning.

"Fine, but you will go." He said and she nodded knowing she had to have something done with her arm.

"Do you have something I can wear?" She asked the paramedic not looking at Danny. Things were still awkward with them even though she promised to try to give him another chance. The young guy handed her a thin gown and stepped to the side to help her. "I can do it." She said not wanting to take her clothes off in front of him.

"Ok." He said hopping out and closing the doors leaving her along with Danny.

"Want me to leave?" Danny asked softly his heart still racing.

"I don't think I can do it by myself." She admitted wincing as she moved to unbutton her shirt.

"Lemme scrape ya nails." He said grabbing the kit Mac had tossed in the back and gently picking up her shaking hands. "Ya sure ya ok?" He asked swallowing hard as he quickly scraped.

"My arm hurts." She admitted wincing as he lifted her hand.

"Sorry." He whispered fighting tears as he packed up the scrapings. He stood up and gently moved her hands aside as she struggled to move her painful arm to unbutton her shirt. "Lemme." He whispered and she nodded closing her eyes as he cold fingers worked the wet shirt off of her small frame. "Dis might hurt." He warned as he moved to take the shirt off of her bad arm. "God baby." He groaned seeing the misshapen arm as he did all he could not to hurt her.

"Just do it." She said taking a deep breath as he pulled the material off. "Oh god." She gasped losing all color as the pain threatened to make her pass out. "Just gimme, a sec." She gasped taking a deep breath feeling his hands on her back. "Sorry." She whispered letting herself relax as she rested her face against his belly.

"Don't be." He whispered blinking back tears as she rested against him. She sat there for a few seconds before lifting her head and nodding and he grabbed the thin gown and gently slid it up her slim arms. She'd lost weight, a lot of weight since the last time he'd seen her naked and guilt slammed into him as he remembered why she'd been stressed out. "Do ya legs hurt?" He asked as he squatted down to pull off her scuffed up black heels.

"No." She said wincing as she shifted. "Really it's just my arm, I landed on it." She said and he nodded looking up at her ready to take her wet jeans off. "This is a little different than the last time you took my clothes off." She said forcing a smile as she stood up and he gently flipped the button of her jeans open.

"Yeah little bit." He said softly carefully tugging the wet denim down her slim hips. "Just a sec." He said opening the door and waving the paramedic back in. "Ya got something that will keep her arm steady?"

"Sling." The man said and Danny nodded wincing as he watched the man quickly put the sling on seeing pain in her dark brown eyes. "Every move is going to hurt." The man warned and Lindsay nodded glancing out at the pouring rain.

"Lemme take dis to Mac." Danny said and she nodded shivering as the cool night air blew into the back of the ambulance.


	2. Chapter 2

"Messer." Danny said grabbing his cell phone as the doctor finished casting Lindsay's broken arm.

"It's Mac, how is she?"

"Broken arm, concussion." Danny said staring at her as she kept her eyes closed after refusing pain meds. "She's getting a cast now."

"Ok I want you to stay with her, better yet take her to your apartment I'm worried." Mac admitted pacing in his office. "This guy follows his victims, it's personal for him and I don't want her alone until we get him."

"Aright." Danny said wondering how much of a fight Lindsay would put up when he told her he was taking her home with him.

"I'll post a uni outside of your building and I'll come by in the morning."

"Aright." He said hanging up and watching as the doctor finished. "Mac said ya gotta stay wit me." He said nervously and she surprised him by just nodding slightly. "Anything ya need from ya place?" He asked and she frowned thinking. "Cause I still got some clothes and stuff." He said not wanting to bring up the past as he thought of her clothes and personal stuff. When he moved he couldn't bare to bring her stuff back so he just put it back in the drawer and her bathroom things were still in his new bathroom sitting beside his.

"I don't know, I don't think so." She said trying to blank everything out so she could ignore the pain in her arm. She wasn't sure how she felt about going home with Danny. The truth of it was that she missed him, felt safe with him and knew that this crazy cab guy got personal with his victims. Mac said that he followed them, knew a lot about them so she wasn't stupid enough to insist on being alone or at her apartment but part of her was afraid it was to soon to be back at Danny's apartment. She was slowly trying to figure out how to forgive him but it was hard, everytime she thought she was getting close her mind would flash to him and her together and shame and pain took over again.

"Here." He whispered helping her stand as they got to the lab's SUV that Mac had dropped off.

"Thanks." She said settling down in the seat and closing her eyes as he buckled her seat belt and jogged around to the other seat. She drifted off to sleep waking up as he stopped. "Danny where are we?" She asked voice thick with sleep as she shifted.

"We're close." He said pulling into the parking garage and stopping in his parking spot. "I moved." He said and she looked over at him confused. "Ya ready?" He asked and she sighed but nodded wincing as she tried to shift to open the door looking up as he opened it for her. "Aright." He said steering her towards the elevator and watching her, hating that she was in pain as the elevator moved up to the 20th floor. He hoped she liked his new place, he'd looked for almost a month before finding it shocked to have found something like it. He'd sold his apartment the day after he came clean with her and stayed at a hotel unable to face even going into the apartment after what he'd done. He'd sold it furnished and had movers pack his stuff shocked that he'd gotten nearly a million dollars for his apartment. He'd bought it when he was in the academy for dirt cheap and through the years he'd paid it off and fixed it up and he'd been expecting it to be worth a lot but not that much. He'd been planning to rent until he'd talked to his cousin who convinced him to buy again. He'd found this penthouse apartment and it had a few problems, the floors had all been ripped up and the kitchen was bare walls without appliances but he'd had a lot of spare time on his hands. He'd put in hard wood floors and replaced the windows in the living room giving him amazing city views and was still working on the kitchen. He had 2 bedrooms and tons more space but he'd bought the apartment for the terrace. He'd immediately known that Lindsay would love it, it was large and airy and had a huge garden with tons of plants and flowers and a hot tub in the corner. He'd bought some lounge furniture and tried to make it nice knowing that if he ever got back into her good graces she'd adore the space. He'd paid nearly 900 for the apartment but was about 2 blocks closer to work and had 2 parking spaces. The building was great and had an indoor pool and a gym and he'd really enjoyed living there so far. He hadn't been able to make himself buy much furniture wanting to do that with her. He'd bought a new bed for his bedroom and a couch and tv for the living room but had left everything else except for personal belongings in his old apartment needing a fresh start.

"Wow." She whispered jaw dropping in shock as she stepped into the huge open space her gaze immediately drawn to the incredible view.

"I'll uh, ya wanna take a shower?" He asked not sure what to do now that she was there.

"Yeah." She said nodding as she looked around. The only thing in the apartment was a dark brown comfy looking couch and a television but nothing that would indicate that Danny actually lived here. "This is nice, did you win the lottery?" She asked and he laughed slightly walking down the hall to his bedroom.

"Na, I got a good price for my old place." He said flipping his bedroom light on. "I got dis place pretty cheap cause the previous owners ran out of money during renovations." He admitted squatting down to pull her clothes out. "I put in new windows, floors and I'm redoing the kitchen." He said pulling out a pair of panties and one of his long tee shirts. She nodded shocked that he still kept her stuff in his dresser even though it was a new dresser. The bedroom was as plain as the rest of the apartment with only a huge king sized bed covered by a dark comforter. "Bathroom's in here." He said walking into the huge master suite bathroom and flipping on the light. "Lemme grab a plastic bag." He said and she nodded looking around the huge bathroom. There was a large Jacuzzi tub in the corner and a gigantic glass enclosed shower with several shower heads on the other end of the massive bathroom. She closed her eyes tears threatening to overflow as she saw her spare toothbruth hanging by his and her spare face wash and deodorant sitting on the counter by his. It looked like she'd never left, like the last 3 months hadn't happened and she wasn't sure if it was breaking her heart or making her lonely but she could barely stifle the tears. She walked to the shower and leaned against it choking on a sob seeing her shampoo and conditioner sitting by his. "Hey." He said walking in finding her leaning against the shower sobbing. "Lindsay?" He asked and she turned to look at him her face pale and tears streaming down he cheeks. She stepped close, burying her face in his chest unable to control the sobs escaping her lips. "It's ok." He whispered not sure what to say or what was wrong as he wrapped his arms around her lowering his head to inhale her scent.

"My stuff." She finally choked out. "You kept my stuff."

"Is dat ok, I just." He stopped closing his eyes. "I needed to have ya close, I guess dis was da best I could do." He admitted and she sniffled and looked up at him eyes bright with tears.

"Help me?" She asked stepping back still not sure she could just forget what happened even if everything inside of her screamed that he was sorry, that he regretted what happened. He nodded and turned the shower on, adjusting the temperature and sliding the bag on her arm and taping it closed like the nurse instructed before pulling the tie to the thin gown. "I can't wash my hair." She said closing her eyes. "I need your help, I don't, I don't know if I'm ready for anything more." She admitted eyes bright with pain and he nodded knowing he didn't deserve anything more. She stepped under the warm water and leaned against the side her eyes closed as she listened to him pulling his shoes off. She looked up as she felt him step into the huge shower and nodded as he swallowed hard still in his black boxers.

"I got no right." He whispered gently lathering the soap into her soft hair. "No right but I miss ya so bad." He choked out dying to hold her, to pull her into his arms.

"I miss you too." She said eyes closed as she tried to focus on getting clean, not thinking about all the times they'd showered together for entirely different reasons.

"I uh." He stopped as he walked into his bedroom and pulled on a dry pair of boxers as she stood. "I only got one bed." He said. "I'll sleep on da couch."

"It's ok." She said wrapping her good arm around her waist, tugging his tee shirt closer to her body loving the smell of him on her skin. "Not like we haven't slept together before." She said and he nodded watching as she slid under the cool sheets and pulled the blankets up. He flipped out the light and climbed into his side of the bed maintaining his distance not sure what all she would allow. "Why did you move?" She whispered eyes closed as she listened to his soft breathing knowing he was still awake.

"I uh, I couldn't walk into my place without thinking what I did." He admitted wishing he didn't have to do this, wanting to make something up. "I uh, right after I told ya I left, sold it furnished."

"Danny I don't know what to do." She whispered hot tears leaking out of her eyes. "Part of me is still so hurt, so hurt that you couldn't come to me." She whispered. "But the other part just misses you, misses what we had but I don't know if I can trust it anymore."

"I know." He said voice tight with tears. "I know I fucked everything up. I wish I could take it back, I want to take it back." He said choking on his emotions trying so hard to hold it in.

"Why not me?" She asked crying softly. "Why couldn't you just come to me?"

"I was scared." He whispered hot tears leaking out of his eyes. "I didn't know, I had no idea that I was gonna lose everything I wasn't thinking." He choked out breathing labored. "Ya deserve so much better and I just."

"Danny." She interrupted. "I don't deserve better." She said rolling onto her side a little so she could see him. "You're a good man, even with this, with what happened I know you're a good person." She said and he covered his face not wanting her to see him crying. "You have to, to let me in." She choked out. "It's ok to not be strong all the time."

"I know, I know and I should have." He whispered. "I promise I won't shut ya out no more." He said sobbing harshly.

"Danny." She whispered scooting over and cupping his cheek. "No more shutting me out." She whispered and he nodded eyes bright with tears and unhidden pain as he wrapped his arms around her middle and rested his head on her chest his hot tears seeping slowly into the tee shirt she was wearing.

"It still hurts." He whispered clinging to her unable to stop the tears. "What if everything I touch goes to shit?" He asked gritting his teeth the pain almost unbearable. "There's Louie, Aiden god Ruben and now ya got hurt."

"Danny it wasn't your fault, none of it was your fault." She whispered sliding her hand into his hair.

"I love ya so much." He whispered taking slow breaths trying to calm down.

"I love you too." She said sniffling wondering if they maybe could work things out.

"Morning." Danny whispered softly moving his head off of her chest and looking at her. He hadn't slept that good in months and he felt pretty decent.

"Hey." She said softly wincing as she shifted.

"Lemme make some coffee and get ya a pain pill." He said and she nodded wincing as she sat up and watched him walk out of the bedroom. She'd slept, for the first time since she'd found out she slept all night and she felt almost mentally refreshed.

"Thanks." She said as she walked in several minutes later and he handed her a cup of coffee.

"Sorry bout last night." He said face turning red as he opened the fridge.

"I'm not." She said and he looked over at her his blue eyes bright and still red rimmed.

"I got a lot of guilt." He said pulling out some milk. "Guess I been pushing it down for a long time." He admitted knowing he had to start opening up to her even if he hated it.

"I still feel guilt about my friends deaths." She admitted watching as he made some French toast. "It gets better I think. It helped me to talk to you." She said and he nodded looking over at her.

"I don't want ya to see me as weak." He admitted swallowing hard. "I don't do weak well."

"I don't see you as weak, never have and I never will." She said. "Even if you cry yourself to sleep every night. Letting me in won't make you weak Danny." She said and he nodded not completely sure she believed him. "But it will make us stronger."

"I want dat." He said softly and she nodded staring at him. "Will ya ever be able to forgive me?" He asked and she sighed looking down at her hands for a second.

"Yes." She said closing her eyes. "I can forgive you but forgetting it is going to be the hard part." She admitted and he nodded handing her the plate. "I just, I keep seeing you together in my mind." She said swallowing past the pain of his betrayal.

"Yeah." He said nodding as he turned to the sink. "I'm so ashamed, I wasn't thinking of you, I wasn't thinking." He said shaking his head. "I been trying to think of what I could tell ya to make it better, if there was anything but I don't wanna make excuses for what I did, there ain't no excuse."

"I think we have to try to find a way to move past it." She said staring at the food. "It cheapened everything I thought we had, I mean." She stopped blinking back tears. "Are you attracted to her just please be honest." She asked and he turned and looked at her.

"I don't know." He admitted. "Not really, I never looked at er like dat before."

"I don't get it." She said and he nodded.

"I can't say I really get it either. She was hurting, I just." He stopped and closed his eyes. "She was sobbing, saying how alone she was, I didn't think and I hugged her and she kissed me." He said shame crashing into him. "I should have said no, I should have but I didn't and for a few minutes I forgot, I could think about something else." He admitted swallowing hard.

"Was it good?" She asked and he looked up and bit his bottom lip.

"I came." He said and she nodded pain spearing through her. "That night I did but the next day, I felt fine at first and then it hit me." He said shaking his head. "Hit me what I was doing and I stopped."

"Did you use a condom?" She asked and he nodded. "It hurts that you talked to me on the phone and then had sex with her."

"I didn't." He said knowing it wouldn't matter really. "I mean we uh, we started to and then I just couldn't, the night before I didn't think, I mean I'd been drinking and I wasn't thinking about ya but dat day, all I could think was that you were done wit me, that I'd finally done it." He said sniffling. "I told her I couldn't and she said ok and went home."

"Why was it different the night before, why did you think of me the second time but not the first?"

"Was just fucking." He said clearing his throat his face red. "The night before, it wasn't personal just oh man." He said sighing. "She wasn't naked or nothing and I just dropped my pants." He said wincing hating to do this but knowing if this was what she needed he would. "But that morning it was different, I know dis might piss ya off but that day it was like I was cheating, it was daylight I wasn't drunk no more and I knew dis time I would remember da pain soon as it was over." He said and she nodded hating to hear the details but feeling a little bit better, understanding a little more.

"I tried to sleep with a guy." She said and he looked up flinching visibly. "I even brought him back to my apartment but I couldn't do it." She said staring into her coffee. "I thought maybe if we were even I could forgive you, things could go back to the way they were before. I just wanted to forget that it happened."

"I wish I could forget." He whispered hating the thought of another man touching her.

"I'm glad you moved." She said taking a deep breath. "I would never have asked you to but I'm glad."

"If you would have asked I'd have done it." He said softly. "I'm willing to do anything, I know I got no right to expect ya to trust me."

"It may take a while." She admitted sighing. "I want to be with you, I don't." She stopped and took a big breath. "I'm not ready for sex but I do forgive you. I don't want to start over, I love some of the things that brought us together, that made us Danny and Lindsay and I don't think we can start over." She said and he nodded. "But we can go forward, learn to lean better and trust each other because I can't be with you if I'm worried every time something happens that you'll push me away. That you'll find someone else to drown your sorrows in."

"I get that." He said nodding. "Lindsay I wanted to let ya in, I wanted to so bad but I was so fuckin scared." He said shaking his head. "Scared dat ya wouldn't want me if I was weak, scared dat ya might blame me."

"Danny I don't blame you." She said softly.

"I knew I couldn't be around ya and hide, cause ya see me and I just, I couldn't face dat and pretend." He said blinking back tears. "I hate myself for hurting ya, I can't fucking believe what I did." He choked out slamming his palm onto the counter. "Just when I found what I always wanted I fuck it up."

"Danny." She whispered getting up and walking over, cupping his face forcing him to look at her. "Danny." She mouthed seeing the self loathing and fear in his eyes. "You're gonna have to forgive yourself."

"No." He said shaking his head. "I can't for what I did, I took something precious, what we had was precious to me and I threw it out the window for nothing." He said closing his eyes.

"Not for nothing." She whispered resting her face against his chin. "Danny if this makes us stronger then maybe it needed to happen." She whispered admitting that one of the hardest things she'd ever admitted.


End file.
